Another Gray Hair

Exercise Endorphins

I have weight loss fantasies on a regular basis. They usually occur while I'm at the gym, listening to 90's hip-hop music. I guess it may have something to do with the exercise endorphins that we've all read about. I have always been suspicious of these endorphins. Do they really exist? Is it all just a scam to get us to buy gym memberships and Nike athletic wear? My predominant emotion when I exercise (pre iPod) was anger along with a running dialogue in my head that screamed, "When the hell is this torture going to be over?"

God bless my iPod. It has completely changed my workout attitude. I start jamming to Heavy D & the Boyz and completely forget that I am working out. I know I look like a fool because I do a little white girl dancing on the treadmill from time to time. I can't help it. Who can listen to Toni! Tony! Tone! and NOT sway their hips?

Back to the weight loss fantasies: Apparently exercise endorphins encourage elaborate delusions of beauty and fitness. It is not uncommon for me to imagine my reunion with an old friend after my inevitable dramatic weight loss. I like to imagine what jeans I'll be wearing and what they will say to me when they see the lesser me for the first time. I indulge myself in these fantasies on a regular basis and I usually look like a Barbie doll, complete with perky breasts, a tiny waist and the complete absence of a muffin-top.

Last Friday while on the treadmill, I was feeling great. My mind was going 100 miles an hour. I was thinking about my new body and how much better my life will be when my outside finally matches my inside. It was like watching a movie on fast forward. I couldn't catch all of it but I saw bits and pieces. I had to slam on the breaks when I saw some Mary Lou Retton moves and hit the fantasy rewind button. I slowed down the scenario and had to laugh at myself.

My deluded Barbie doll self was meeting an old friend for lunch. When I arrived at the restaurant to meet her, I walked in the front door and did a back handspring, a round off, a couple cartwheels and some aerial somersaults. I executed a flawless landing directly in front of her and nonchalantly shook her hand. My spry Barbie body not only gives me self-confidence, it also gives me super human gymnastic ability. When was the last time you saw a thirty two year old woman do a back hand spring? I learned two things from this incident:

1. My expectations about weight loss are not at all based in reality.
2. Exercise endorphins are not a Nike conspiracy. They exist and they are dangerous.

Muffin Mission #2

Just yesterday, I had to explain what a muffin top was to my husband. He was clueless and very skeptical of this new term. He contends with gusto that I do NOT have a muffin top. Can’t you see why the home fires are still burning strong after 10 years of marriage? He might be completely deluded but he’s a keeper. It’s clear from my husband’s cluelessness that we have work to do.

Muffin Toppers of the world, it’s time to gain muffmentum (is it me or does this sound a little dirty?). We’ve got to spread our message of flattering fashion for all. If you’ve accomplished last week’s mission of tossing out an old pair of ill-fitting jeans, you are ready to move on to mission number two. If you haven’t made it there yet, don’t worry. You can cling to those jeans as long as you want. Just know that when you are ready, we will be waiting for you in the wonderful world of clothes that fit and flatter.

Here’s mission number two:

Community Service: Seek out unsuspecting muffin toppers in your community and give your testimony to them. You don’t have to insult them to make an impact. Take a friend along and print two or three pamphlets out so that the unenlightened muffin topper thinks you are community servants (you are!) and does not feel targeted. Take her aside, explain your mission and tell her what the movement is all about. Remember, you are doing her a service, one that she desperately needs whether she knows it or not. Make sure you wear attractive, age-appropriate clothing to ensure maximum effectiveness. We want people to see results, not just hear about them. Keep in mind that it is quite possible that the muffin topper may have no idea what a muffin top is, despite the fact that she could be a poster child for the movement. We must be sensitive to this possibility. Some visual aids might be just the ticket to bring the message home for the as-yet-to-be-converted muffin toppers among us. Show her some before and after pictures of yourself or someone else. Encourage her to spread the muffmentum by telling her friends. Before you know it, muffin tops will be a thing of the past (or the small majority--we all know there are hopeless MT-ers out there).