Indoor Topography

Do you ever look around your house at the chaos and wonder, "How could I even considering adding another person to this mix?" I find myself doing that allot lately. Maybe it's the hormones or the ceaseless bouts of dry heaving but I focus on the chaos in my home. I am either a glutton for punishment or I have just accepted the fact that my house will never, ever even have the appearance of cleanliness again. It's over. With kitty cages and a dog that likes to shred things like paper, pillow stuffing, cats, Littlest Pet Shop toys, and all variety of apparel and a husband who could walk by a trash bag at the door, ready to be taken out to the curb, 17 times and never even notice its existence; I might as well just accept my fate, embrace it. Instead of fighting this constant battle to keep up a façade of cleanliness, I'm going to turn over a new leaf. I'm going to become a hoarder. In ten years, I'll have a guaranteed appearance on Oprah, something my writing career may never afford me (yes, I'm optimistic—if I hoard and write successfully, I might just morph into Oprah's ideal guest).

I'm going to start collecting things now, lots and lots of things. I'll throw nothing away and count on my husband to take the recycling to the center, thus ensuring that it will never leave the home. I'm going to stop consigning my children's clothes when they outgrow them and save them, every single piece, for posterity's sake. I'm going to start ordering things from QVC. A QVC addiction is an absolute must for any self-respecting hoarder. I'll turn each room into a labyrinth. My kids will love that. There will be specific trails that will get you from one room to the next, surrounded by walls of things. I'll make my son our official topographer, turning each day into a treasure hunt, What Mommy? You need the dishwashing detergent? Let me consult the map. I'll need 25 minutes and a machete but I'll find it for you. His topography skills may just lead him to become the next Rand McNally, mapping the floor of the ocean or the surface of Mars. My hoarding will become his career inspiration. I can hear the Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech already. Sure, they'll be mildew and odor but that's a small price to pay for an Oprah appearance and a kid with a Nobel Peace Prize, right?

Comments

[New Diva]

A very small price indeed! I think I missed something...are you preggers?! Congrats, if so!

[Willow]

Wow, so all that stuff I'm saving 'just in case' could be the making of me! Who knew? Being able to see your carpet is overrated anyway :-)

[Melinda]

Well both are better than what I discovered about my daughter today. Her destiny is to be a circus freak. If I had to choose I would pick hoarder on the Oprah show!

[Bethany Smith]

You, my friend, are a genius! I am going to TiVo every Oprah, waiting on your episode!!

[suburbancorrespondent]

Just don't lose the baby in the mess!

And if you haven't already, check out Flylady.net

[Angie]

I saw that woman hoarder on Oprah yesterday. That house was CRAZY. You've got a ways to match her madness, but I have every faith in you that you'll achieve your goal, if you REALLY want to. LOL!

[papadale]

You should be proud of the faith your friends (Angie) place in your ability to achieve your hard to reach goals. Remember, keep Dudley on a leash, and close to the bed, he'll help find the way to the back door so you can get to the little house with the half moon in the door.

[Melody from ~Pennies in my Pocket~]

Check out FlyLady.net -- She has given me so many tips to help make my clutter go bye-bye. I hate doing house chores, too. HATE. One thing I've become best friends with are those clorox cleaning wipes. She gave me the tip to wipe down the bathroom sink and counter every day or every other day and then I wouldn't have to a big cleaning job once a week. It's the best thing ever. Only takes 1 minute. And yes, I timed it! hahaha

~melody~